Tuesday, December 31, 2024

2025 New Year’s Resolutions

  1. Constantly monitor all body functions and post the readings and results and                  photographs on a dedicated website. 

2.    Spend more time grooming my toenails.  Also, talk about them more often.  Ask people I meet about how they care for their toenails and what I should do about mine.

 

3.    Carry a cigarette in my pocket and, whenever I am in someone else’s house or car, put it in my mouth and ask if they mind whether I smoke.

 

4.    When the money starts rolling in from the massive tax cut for the super-rich, give 2% of my additional income to the deserving poor.

 

5.    Cut the head off a large wild animal and leave it in Central Park.

 

6.    Spend no more than 30% of my 2025 income on roofies, bourbon, lubricants, Adderall, sex toys, Viagra, and Chinese midget clown porn.

 

7.    Put on twenty pounds.

 

8.    Move my “first drink” time from 5 PM to 4:15. 

 

9.    Begin to incorporate beef tallow into my diet so that by the end of the year I am obtaining at least 20% of my calories from it.

 

10. Fast forward through all movies so I can watch twice as many.

 

Copyright2024MichaelKubacki

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