CORONA---Play Ball

          By now, you may have seen some of the health and safety rules Major League Baseball has proposed for the re-opening of the sport, though I forgive you if you haven’t seen all the new rules because there are 67 pages of them (and that was only the initial draft).

          There will be no fans allowed in the ballpark, of course, because that would presumably convert it into a slaughterhouse.  Players not actually in the game would occupy some of the seats in the stands, though they would have to wear masks and remain six feet apart at all times.  Players in the dugout would be wearing masks as well; face coverings could be removed only when a player enters the field of play.

          There will be no hugs or fist-bumps or high-fives or trash-talking to the first baseman after you lace a single to left.  Also no spitting---hence no tobacco and no sunflower seeds.

          Players and their families will get Covid testing several times a week and players will have their temperatures taken several times each day.  Players will only be permitted to eat at their hotels and will not be permitted to visit other restaurants or bars.  Also, no one will be allowed in players’ hotel rooms except for family members.  (Sorry, girls!)

          Play ball!

          And then there’s my plan:

          First of all, because the start of the season has been delayed, there will be a shorter season---82 games starting early July should do it.  Baseball stadiums will be open to fans who wish to buy tickets, and if the capacity of the stadium is 42,312, then 42,312 tickets may potentially be sold.  As a fan, you may wear a mask if you wish.  You may also attempt to distance yourself from other fans.  Good luck.  Hot dogs and sodas and beer and turkey legs and sushi and popcorn will be sold.  Around the 7^th inning, guys will stand in line in the men’s room six inches apart, desperately waiting to pee.

          Players will play baseball in the usual fashion, including fist bumps, pats on the butt, high-fives, spitting and (when warranted), brawls and fist-fights.  Managers and umpires desiring further discussion of a ruling on the field will stand two inches apart and express their views forcefully while raining droplets of spittle on each other’s faces.  Any player who wishes to get a coronavirus test is welcome to do so but is not required to.  Players can live wherever they wish, eat and drink wherever they wish, and screw whomever they wish.

          Players will be paid pro-rata for the number of games played.  Any player or coach or hot-dog vendor or valet-parking guy who refuses to play because of health concerns may sit out the season and will suffer no punishment for doing so, though he will not be paid.  If a player does this, his contract and years of service record will simply be suspended until next Spring.

          In the event a state or city government imposes restrictions on a team in its home stadium (masks, limiting crowd size, etc.), team owners may find an alternate venue for their home games (maybe a minor league park in another state?), or they may forfeit the games, which will count as losses on the team’s record.

          And what would happen?  Well, baseball would happen.  And nothing else.  If you’re 86 years old and have cancer, don’t go to the ballpark.  Otherwise, Covid is over.

          There have been no “second waves” or “hot spots” despite all the dire (almost gleeful), predictions about what would happen when people started going to restaurants and getting haircuts.  The lockdowns, it turns out, were pointless anyway---the pattern of new cases was the same everywhere, regardless of the level of restrictions imposed or not imposed.  The only reason mayors and governors are still trying to maintain their “Phase 2” restrictions or “Level Yellow” rules is that it would be embarrassing for them to admit the police-state tactics they attempted to enforce had zero effect on public health, and only hurt the millions who were locked up in their homes, unemployed.

          The latest proof that the restrictions were politically motivated from the beginning comes from the huge George Floyd demonstrations around the country that occurred over the past ten days.  Thousands gathered together, marching shoulder to shoulder in forty cities, many of them still “locked-down.”  And what are we told by our overlords?

          Well, according to Jennifer Nuzzo, an epidemiologist at Johns Hopkins, “In this moment the public health risks of not protesting to demand an end to systemic racism greatly exceed the harms of the virus.”  And she’s not the only one.  Tom Frieden, former CDC Director, has been scolding all of us for weeks about the dangers of a rushed re-opening, but now says the mass protests are fine.  Apparently, if we don’t fix all our racially racist racism by gathering ten thousand people together, the virus will hit us harder, or something.

          And then there’s Governor Tom Wolf of Pennsylvania, who has kept all our schools and restaurants and “non-essential” businesses closed for 2 ½ months, and is still doing so, but who marched in a massive Philadelphia protest this past weekend with significantly more than the 25 people permitted under current crowd-size restrictions.

          There’s just no possible excuse for the lockdowns and the masks and the six feet anymore, and yet the charade continues.

          So play ball, I say.  And what would happen?

          Well, I don’t know.  Nobody does.  That’s the thing about freedom and the spontaneous order that arises in a society when free people are each doing what they think is best for themselves and their families and their communities.  Since it’s not commanded from above, the result is usually a pleasant surprise.  I suspect almost all the players and coaches and valet-parking guys and hot-dog vendors will show up, and will be happy to be there.  I suspect the crowds will be small at first, and will consist primarily of people who never swallowed the fear-porn that has been dished out to us for breakfast, lunch, and dinner over the last three months, but the crowds will grow quickly as fans notice the outfielders are not keeling over in their death-throes.  And finally, a lot of fans in their sixties and up will probably stay home, at least until 2021.  We should trust them and their family members to make the wisest decisions about their personal health and safety, especially since the politicians and bureaucrats who have orchestrated this mini-police-state have repeatedly demonstrated, and continue to demonstrate, their complete incompetence.

Copyright2020MichaelKubacki