Thursday, November 6, 2003


A friend of mine ascribes many of the evils in the world to a group he calls “spoiled-rotten Irish-Catholic prosecutors.” Over time, I have come to see the wisdom in his rage. At the moment, there seem to be an unusual number of defendants who excite my passionate support.

There’s Martha Stewart, of course, who is accused of fraud for publicly denying she was guilty of a crime the feds decided not to charge her with. Get it? She denied she had traded on inside information, and the feds later agreed, but her statement she didn’t do it is “fraud.” There’s Witch Hunt No. 1.

Then there’s Michael Jackson. Now, I frankly don’t know what the deal is with him, but when the prosecutors hold a press conference for the purpose of comparing him to Charles Manson, and then they actually charge him with “improper touching” (which, in the NFL, is only a 10-yard penalty), and then it turns out the kid’s mother has a lengthy rap sheet…. Well, let’s just say that what sounded like war crimes at first now sounds like 98% pure horseshit. Numero 2.

Next is Kobe. And let me ask the guys out there a question. I assume that maybe once or twice or fifty times in your life, a woman told you, “No.” It happens to the best of us. Well, here’s the question: did it ever mean “No”? Ever? Didn’t it mean, “not here,” or “I have to ask my girlfriend about you,” or “I need three more dacquiris first”? I mean, suddenly it’s “rape” because at some point in the eternal tug-of-war of the mating dance, a woman says “No”? Is this still America we live in? And that’s Number 3, for those of you scoring at home.

Which brings us to Rush Limbaugh. And didn’t it sound really bad at first? The “money-laundering,” for example. What ever happened to the money-laundering? And the “drug ring”? And the drug dealing? What happened to that stuff? The initial stories, which all came from leaks in the prosecutor’s office, made it sound like he was some kind of Columbian drug lord, didn’t they? And now, if they ever charge him with anything, it will be for something called “doctor shopping,” a crime I never heard of, by the way.

So here’s the story with Limbaugh. He suffered years of constant pain from back problems and failed back operations, and he wound up addicted to pain-killers. He tried to kick it himself, couldn’t do it, was publicly exposed, and then went to rehab and got clean. And now, apparently because he’s opposed to abortion on demand, or because he doesn’t believe Dick Cheney is the anti-Christ, any sense of compassion is simply out of the question. And then there’s the whole Donovan McNabb thing! We’ve gotta fry him. Somehow. For something. Has anyone in the history of this grand republic ever been prosecuted for doing what Rush Limbaugh did? I seriously doubt it.

Martha, Michael, Kobe, Rush---all four are in the crosshairs at the moment, largely because there are powerful people who hate them for reasons that have little to do with anything in our criminal statutes. Martha’s too rich, you know, and she has a lot of rich friends, too. Let’s string her up and make an example of her. You know---for the little guy. Michael? Well, he’s just too weird, right? And we know he’s doing something wrong because---well, just look at him! Kobe, of course, is the latest target for the “all-women-are-victims” philosophy that feminism has become. And Rush? People who disagree with his politics are trying to use the law against him simply because of their hatred.

Those targeted by witch-hunts and witch-hunters deserve our sympathy and support because the witch-hunters are a danger to all of us. The rule of law, the presumption of innocence---these are not just legal technicalities. They are part of the contract that we all make with each other on how we are going to live together. There may come a time when your health or happiness or even your life will depend upon that contract, and if you only stand up to the spoiled-rotten Irish-Catholic prosecutors when they are going after someone you like, who’s going to stand up when they come after you?

Copyright 2003 Michael Kubacki