There are three daily newspapers in Philly---the Inquirer, the Bulletin, and the Daily News---but for cranks, there is only one. The Inquirer fancies itself as the local version of the New York Times, and thus only publishes letters from executives (lesbians preferred) at non-profit organizations who believe polar bears should be designated an endangered species. The Bulletin is both more suburban and more conservative, but is also crank-unfriendly. A typical letter in the Bulletin runs 3000 words and concerns a five-year dispute in the Montgomery County Register of Wills Office among a County Commissioner, a buxom civil service clerk, two lawyers and a retired judge who was once married to one of the lawyers.
But then there’s the Daily News, which not only publishes letters from cranks but actually seems to prefer them. The DN not only publishes more letters than the other two papers, but on many days does not publish a single letter from someone you would be comfortable sitting next to on a bus.
Here is a collection of my favorites:
It was the day after the Phillies won 11-10.
My phone was ringing so I answered it. Wow, it was one of my sons, who I hadn’t heard from in about five years. He said he wanted to pay me a visit.
I said sorry, but I’ll be watching TV every night for a while, but if it’s raining, you could stop over. (Click.) Oh, well.
Jim Bresnan, Richboro
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There’s a question I’ve been trying to find an answer to for quite some time.
The total mass of our planet seems to be steadily decreasing. For millions of years, the earth’s mass stayed relatively the same. Land masses shifted, glaciers formed and melted, but our total weight stayed the same. But with the Industrial Revolution came our dependence on fossil fuel.
The oil and coal we have extracted from the earth does not replenish itself and has, to some extent, changed the mass of our planet.
If we steadily keep draining billions of tons of oil and coal from the planet, could we change the orbit of our planet, move closer to the sun---and be incinerated?
Albert D. Lancelotti Sr., Philadelphia
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The IRS’s confusion of Abigail Roberts (aka Charlotte Kuheuna) with Hawaiian heiress Abigail Kinoiki Kekaulike Kawananakoa is quite understandable, and reminds me of a similar confusion of my own.
After all, I still can’t tell the difference between Kam Fong and Chin Ho, and Zulu, as Kono.
Stuart Caesar, Philadelphia
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The Daily News has been awash with items regarding the 370-and-counting murder in Philly alone. If Darwinism is true, who cares? Aren’t these murderers proving his theory, survival of the fittest?
How about the three foster sisters on the front page? If their parents weren’t strong enough to raise them, then they aren’t genetically equipped either.
Tom Dietrick, Philadelphia
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Religiously and politically, the recent tsunami in south Asia is one more proof that the gods of Christianity, Judaism, Islam and Buddhism are not as pro-life as believed.
The total loss of human life in this calamity may soon equal the number killed, to date, by American military action in Iraq. These counts do not include fetuses or non-human life.
Henry T. Stokes, Philadelphia
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“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, and all other gods, indivisible with liberty and justice for all races, colors and every other nation in the world.”
Paul Rash, Philadelphia
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In Massachusetts and San Francisco, you have men kissing men, women kissing women, right on TV.
Where are the decent families? Don’t leave the Catholic Church out---so many young men had their lives shattered. So don’t make Janet Jackson a scapegoat.
Moses Cook, Philadelphia
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I have only one question: Is there an East Philadelphia? And where exactly is it located? I’ve heard of North Philadelphia, South Philadelphia and West Philadelphia, but never East Philadelphia.
I’ve asked and the answer is always the same---there is no East Philadelphia.
I simply refuse to believe this and hope I’m correct.
Rodney Madison, Houtzdale (Pa.) State Prison
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I am so sick of these people who are counting their carbs! Ever hear of moderation?
The other day at a small work party, the girl who is dedicated to this South Beach diet was the one wielding the knife cutting the cake!
Is it me?
Anne Mendenhall, Willow Grove
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The Democratic Party wants to increase taxes the wrong way.
Instead of small increases every year, why not just have a 100 percent income tax? All of our money can be placed in one big pot and we can receive vouchers for food, clothing, toilet paper, etc.
We may have to wait in lines sometimes, but so what? It will all be for the greater good. And why own a home? We could all live in government-subsidized apartments. Wouldn’t that be so much nicer?
And to top it all off, this would virtually eliminate crime.
If we are all equal, why would somebody want to rob or steal?
I don’t know about anybody else, but I think it’s a great idea!
William Lattanzio, Spring City Pa.
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In our modern world of “the good foul,” drawing blood from your opponent is never apparently punished as significantly as the victim has suffered.
This allows bladder tumors like Ann Coulter to suppurate over the public, much to their eventual reward.
So much of our public discourse has come to accept this moral metastasis that conservatives now complain when liberals use less than pristine language to reply to this downpour of pus and urine.
Ben Burrows, Elkins Park
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The news reports state that Mount St. Helens is about to erupt because it is at a Level 3.
Tom Ridge came up with this five-colored method of telling us how close we are to a possible terrorist attack.
All these hurricanes are being rated as to strength based on wind speed from 1 to 5.
These supposed simple rating methods are getting too difficult for me to understand.
Why can’t they just tell me how “screwed” we will be?
Mayer Krain, Philadelphia
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As Phils fans remember Tug McGraw, another ex-Phil’s passing might have slipped by over the holidays and in the shadow of Reggie White.
Johnnie Oates, a catcher in the early ‘70s, also succumbed to brain cancer, just as Tug and pitcher Ken Brett did two months before McGraw. Throw in Vuke, and that’s four former Phils of the ‘70s era who have had brain cancer.
Considering that the odds in a normal environment of contracting brain cancer is about 1 in 8,000 and that there were only a couple of hundred Phillies who competed during that era, should a question be raised concerning possible public health risks from the Vet facility?
I’d start with the Astro Turf. According to the U.S. Patent Office, Astro Turf is composed of many ingredients, one of which is polyvinyl chloride, a plastic that when exposed to temperatures of 86 degrees or more breaks down into a dioxin.
If inhaled on a consistent basis, and if you have a susceptibility factor, it could eventually lead to angiosarcoma in the brain or liver. Throw in a stadium where this heavier-than-air byproduct has no place to travel, and this might be an item to examine.
And it’s not just here where this has occurred. Two names come easily to mind: Stargell and Bonds, who called Pittsburgh and St. Louis, their homes. These cities, along with Cincinnati, had fields of Astro Turf.
At the very least, Major League Baseball and the Players Association have an obligation to make former players aware of the possible health risks that may be ahead for them.
Chip Maylie, Marlton, N.J.
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Your Op/Ed page STINKS. If you print this rant, please put stinks in capital letters, like I just did.
First, I read about a woman who complains bitterly about her quarter-life crisis. Nothing seems to work for her. She had a kid but her life is boring. So what does she do? She writes to the Daily News, the editor prints it, and now she feels better…OK?
A few weeks ago, a lawyer writes how miserable her life is, and that it’s better living without a man in her life, and her bitching letter pays off.
If you want to cry the blues, the best place to shed your tears is on the Op/Ed page of the Daily News. Believe me, the editor is in need of a psychiatrist for printing this junk.
And I should have my own head examined for even writing to you.
Ed Galing, Hatboro
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